One Year.

Exactly 1 year ago today I found out my baby had no heart beat, that my baby had stopped growing and that I would be loosing it. It was one of the hardest days I’ve ever encountered and I’m feeling the pain again today.

What follows is 4 more failed IUI’s, 4 more heartbreaks of negative tests then the news my fibroid has grown and is tilting my uterus. 10 more months of waiting for the surgery, 12 more months of sad thoughts of the baby I lost. I don’t even know when I’ll be trying again, if my doctor doesn’t want me doing more IUI’s I don’t know what my next step will be, IVF is too expensive for it not to be guaranteed for me.

I am always happy for the ladies who end up pregnant and have healthy babies but it still hurts my heart that I cannot share this along side them. It’s not something I can share with just anyone, only a hand full of people know what I was doing and that I had gotten pregnant and that I had lost, when someone shares with me they lost I still can’t bring up my loss. I had to go through baby items the other day, I had to reorganize my house and I bawled holding up the special items I picked up when I found out I was pregnant.

When will it be my turn.

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