Useless, Broken & Hopeless

I know it’s been a few months since my last post.  I’ve been having a hard time, I had my fibroid removal surgery October 4th.  The only update I got from it was that they only took parts out not the whole thing.  So I’m not sure what my hormone levels are at or if my uterus is still tilted.  The one doctor who was assisting with my surgery had said to wait 3 months before trying again.  I said hell no but with the rate things are going along right now it will be 3 months which makes me very upset. My mom wants me to get tested for any auto immune diseases on top of it all.

I wanted to try my next IUI this next cycle which day one would be next week, but since I haven’t been to my RE for a year she wants to do a review with me, which I understand but I was really looking forward for this next cycle and was hoping to have an HSG and my levels done just before and if they weren’t good then I would hold off, but now I don’t even have that option. The office is 5 hours from me, so I had to book a phone appointment which wont happen till the 27th.  Once I was off the phone I started bawling and have just been in a super off mood for the rest of the day.  Doesn’t help that when I logged onto Facebook a friend had an announcement that she’s expecting, and I am happy for her she’s lost 2 babies and had to seek clinic help so I am so glad she is finally getting her rainbow baby but on the other hand it just breaks my heart I cant even begin trying again.

I honestly feel it is never going to happen for me, and my heart keeps on breaking.

I started this journey when I was 25 and I’m 28, I never thought I would still be trying for my first this many years later.  I just feel useless, broken and hopeless.

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