Useless, Broken & Hopeless

I know it’s been a few months since my last post.  I’ve been having a hard time, I had my fibroid removal surgery October 4th.  The only update I got from it was that they only took parts out not the whole thing.  So I’m not sure what my hormone levels are at or if my uterus is still tilted.  The one doctor who was assisting with my surgery had said to wait 3 months before trying again.  I said hell no but with the rate things are going along right now it will be 3 months which makes me very upset. My mom wants me to get tested for any auto immune diseases on top of it all.

I wanted to try my next IUI this next cycle which day one would be next week, but since I haven’t been to my RE for a year she wants to do a review with me, which I understand but I was really looking forward for this next cycle and was hoping to have an HSG and my levels done just before and if they weren’t good then I would hold off, but now I don’t even have that option. The office is 5 hours from me, so I had to book a phone appointment which wont happen till the 27th.  Once I was off the phone I started bawling and have just been in a super off mood for the rest of the day.  Doesn’t help that when I logged onto Facebook a friend had an announcement that she’s expecting, and I am happy for her she’s lost 2 babies and had to seek clinic help so I am so glad she is finally getting her rainbow baby but on the other hand it just breaks my heart I cant even begin trying again.

I honestly feel it is never going to happen for me, and my heart keeps on breaking.

I started this journey when I was 25 and I’m 28, I never thought I would still be trying for my first this many years later.  I just feel useless, broken and hopeless.

One Year.

Exactly 1 year ago today I found out my baby had no heart beat, that my baby had stopped growing and that I would be loosing it. It was one of the hardest days I’ve ever encountered and I’m feeling the pain again today.

What follows is 4 more failed IUI’s, 4 more heartbreaks of negative tests then the news my fibroid has grown and is tilting my uterus. 10 more months of waiting for the surgery, 12 more months of sad thoughts of the baby I lost. I don’t even know when I’ll be trying again, if my doctor doesn’t want me doing more IUI’s I don’t know what my next step will be, IVF is too expensive for it not to be guaranteed for me.

I am always happy for the ladies who end up pregnant and have healthy babies but it still hurts my heart that I cannot share this along side them. It’s not something I can share with just anyone, only a hand full of people know what I was doing and that I had gotten pregnant and that I had lost, when someone shares with me they lost I still can’t bring up my loss. I had to go through baby items the other day, I had to reorganize my house and I bawled holding up the special items I picked up when I found out I was pregnant.

When will it be my turn.

Moving on?

I am currently waiting for my beta results but I am pretty certain they will come back negative. My tests are showing nothing, I thought maybe a few times I’ve spotted a shadow of a line but nothing really noticeable.

I am heartbroken, that is 6 failed IUI’s.

I’ve known since the beginning that I have some fibroids but have been reassured they aren’t affecting anything, but I still have an appointment booked with my RE in Saskatoon (since I’m moving home) and they will look everything over and can do the procedure in their office.

I will take a couple months off and go back on low carb diet and try to lose 20 pounds and if my RE suggest another IUI then I will try once more but if she suggests moving onto IVF then I will have to start saving which will be very hard since it is a lot of money which scares me. Especially if that doesn’t work either.


I’m 11dpiui and it’s negative 😭 I thought this cycle would be it for me.  I swear I see a shadow of something when I tweak it but I’m just getting my hopes up.  I will either have AF Sunday or go for my beta Monday.  I was so hopeful and now I’m just heartbroken. 💔

What Next…

12dpiui and my frer was negative, I feel like a failure, like it shouldn’t take me this long to have a viable pregnancy. I had blood taken the morning of 7/7/17 and I my levels were up so I had the IUI at 11:30 that day. I was feeling very positive about this cycle, after the IUI I rested for a couple days had 5 days of pineapple and Pom juice, kept a positive mind set and was very happy.I tested at 9dpiui and was negative, posted on BabyCenter at 11dpiui and one lady had said that since I had only surged in the 7th that I was probably only 9dpo. I expect AF on Monday the 24th, I go for a beta on Friday the 21st. I want to be 100% sure it didn’t work before I got to Vegas on Sunday. I still really wish a faint line would just show up. I want this so bad, it’s so draining.

For IUI #5 I think my RE is going to let me do a medicated cycle. I’m guessing Clomid, I ovulate just fine but maybe my eggs just aren’t growing enough, so this cycle will cost more as the Clomid will cost something and they will monitor. I wish they would have let me do it this cycle though. I will do 1 more cycle (medicated) and if it fails I will need to take a break. It all takes a toll on me, the money, emotional and physical aspect of it all.

I really don’t want to take a break but if it doesn’t work after 5 tries it needs to happen. I feel useless. 

12 dpiui BFN

12 dpiui and it’s a BFN.  I keep starring at this picture just wishing I could see a line, I swear I sometimes do I just want it to be positive.

I’ll test again in the morning, if nothing then I’ll wait for AF which is to arrive Sunday if it doesn’t show then I go for my Beta Monday morning.  I feel like I’m out this month, just doesn’t feel like same as before.   I shouldn’t compare it  to April’s pregnancy but it’s so hard not to!  I’ve been trying to search for another donor but I haven’t clicked with any of them yet.  Im hoping I find a new one by Tuesday so I can order and have it ready for the 9th.  I’ll have to come back from home sooner then I wanted so I can do IUI #4 

IUI #3

I go for my IUI today and I am so excited and nervous. I got the call yesterday that my LH surge was happening. I then had to arrange with my boss that I would be gone at 9 o’clock for my IUI at 11:15. I don’t think she was very happy that I would be missing work but oh well, this is something I want more than anything.  

 At least it is raining today so the kids will be inside until I get back and then we are going dirtbiking. They also need more pull-ups so that works out that I can grab them, I will also grab a pineapple to have the meat for the next five days.  I may also pick a little baby item up to if I find something cute at Walmart.  

My tattoo turned out amazing I will post a pic and it was the best tattoo experience I’ve had and I’ve already had so many compliments on it. It is still wrapped up as the wrap acts as a scab and it should be almost healed when I take it off in two days. It works out really well with dirt biking as it will be covered and won’t rub on anything.


I go for my third IUI soon, I picked a new donor so I have high hopes.  I am still nervous of course as it might not work.  I go for my LH blood work in the morning, yesterday and today I tested in the morning and afternoon and I haven’t ovulated yet so I’ll check in the morning before my blood. 

Tomorrow afternoon I go for a tattoo also! I’m driving to Revelstoke to an artist I found, it’s about 2 hours.  I am very excited and I think it will take my mind off of waiting to ovulate.  I am getting flowers on my forearm in black and grey, then when I do have a baby I will add a bumblebee in colour.

My best friend told me that when I’m pregnant they will be trying for baby #2, I’m so excited!  To have someone pregnant with me then to have our babies grow up together!